Set your hopes up way too high, the living is in the way we try

July 28 2016: Fashion

Grant: Casual friday tomorrow... I will be wearing a bedsheet wrapped around me like a toga
Spiderman sheets obviously
And black socks to go with the sandals
Cindy: Hey! You know I can't resist guys in Spiderman togas with hipster footwear right?
Grant: Typical woman, you all want the exact same thing.

Apr 23 2016: Poetic text message

"I like feel the time slowly and lovely"

Apr 3 2016: Hiking

Grant: Look! Cute lizards
Yisha: I don't like reptile
Yisha: Isn't that the problem guys have? Reptile dysfunction?

Feb 4 2015: Zen

Marco: See this is all enlightenment. It's like I'm becoming Buddha
Grant: Buddha's the man
chill with your buddhist father-in-law and share wisdoms
Marco: Oh he does at least a few times a month. Beats me with a stick
Like to help me he says
Grant: Awesome
Marco: Yeah doesn't feel awesome
Grant: there's got to be something in it for you
Marco: Pain. He says when you stop it makes you appreciate
Grant: Well if you let him do it...
I mean you could tell him you appreciate the sweet release from pain every morning when you leave his daughter at home

November 23 2014: new: making... wall cube art

August 20 2014: at work

"Let's face it, Shakespeare was the ultimate hipster. Did you see those pants?"

August 9 2014: preview for 'The Expendables 3' movie

Y: The expandables? That's so stupid
motions a sphere with hands
Y: Does it mean they expand like balloons?

July 3 2014: being judged

E: Your behaviour is very uncommonal

May 18 2014: professional advice

Corey: Looks like you have a beer in your pocket
Grant: How do you think I get through mornings at the office?
Corey: Seems like you're ready for the day!
Grant: If I come to work drunk every day, people will assume that behaviour is normal for me!

Apr 16 2014: injured, but non-poisonous

Y: I got hit by the ball in my head during practice :(
G: Are you ok?? I hope not serious hit...
Y: I don't feel noxious, so that's good.

Apr 15 2014: Skype conversation at work

Samantha: What are the changes you could look into cyberspace for a file for a client
Samantha:Sorry for typos, new keyboard
Grant:that sounds like a psychedelic '70s rock song
Grant:What are the changes?
You could look into cyberspace
for a file, for a client

Apr 10 2014: finished: making a... bed

Jan 27 2014: new: inspiring items

December 23 2013: american coworkers

Jason: You Canadians worship the queen
Grant: We have a secret stone altar dedicated to the queen buried deep inside a mountain, where priests pull the still-beating hearts out of men during our dark rites
Jason: That sounds a lot like the plot to Temple of Doom
Grant: Do you think it's a coincidence that was released in 1984? It's actually the film adaptation of Canada patriating its constitution in 1982.

October 6 2013: friends discussing friends

M: Her last name is Haynes
E: Haynes? Like the company that makes ketchup?

July 3 2007: Poker game invite:

Theo email 1: Next poker night is next week: Tuesday, June 5th, 6:30pm. Let me know if you are yes/no/maybe.
Theo email 2: Also, the subject line is correct, body text is wrong: it's Tuesday, July 10th, not on June 5th which would be in the past and difficult to arrange.
Grant reply: If you're not willing to obey the laws of relativity, how can we expect you to run an honest poker game??
Theo email 3: Afraid to play a game that defies reality? BAWK BAWK BAWK!

Apr 4 2007: Phone Call

<Ring Ring>
me:Grant Speaking
strange old man voice: Is this Grant?
me: It is.
somv: Grant?
me: Who's speaking?
somv: I will be there in 20 minutes
me: Who is speaking?
somv: Okay!

March 1 2006: At work
"I love failing. When you strive for failure, you always succeed!"

August 9 2005: Crossing the border
Border guard:
"Please hold up your identification."
(receives phone call, ignores grant)
"Was that her? I didn't recognize her."
"She looks like a skank."
"I think she's a hooker."
"She says she does 'massage'."
"(mumble mumble) I've got to go."
(hangs up phone, gives annoyed look to grant)
"Thank you, go through."

October 21 2004
what good are kids? just to vacuum & mow the lawn. they're making machines to do that for you these days anyways.
sure, the intelligent robots we build today will evolve into tyrannical humanity crushing daleks tomorrow... but what do I care, it's not like I have children's futures to worry about!

January 23 2004: Restaurant
Waitress: Do you want soup and rice?
Jesse: Soup, no rice.
Grant: Riceist.

January 23 2004: "Organically Settled"
Warren: You're look different Grant; at your age you've become organically settled

January 5 2004: US Geography
Meighan: "... all 52 states ..."
Grant: "52 states? There's only 50 states!"
Meighan: "What about Hawaii and Alaska?"

Oct 22 2003: Esther
"Lately i've been so disorientated"
"So i'm trying to logicalize my decision"

July 30 2003:
How is it that cats come to have a taste for tuna? Those are huge fish, and they live in the middle of the ocean. I can't imagine how they ever managed to catch them.

July 16 2003: Dr. Mirkin
"So if you want to keep fit, excercise like a wild baboon, not a caged baboon"

Mar 20 2003:
The internet isn't as good for picking up hot girls as my Dungeons & Dragons buddies said it would be

December 22 2002: Vegetarian restaurant
E: "Well I'm sorry this food doesn't meet your carnal standards!"

October 15 2002: coffee-server-girl pt. 2:
"And where do you work? Can you even hold a job??"

October 9 2002:
M: "I love autumn! It's my favourite month!"

October 2 2002:
[Grant is examining pastries with Jesse]
Coffee-Server-Girl: "Why are you so on crack?"

July 23 2002:
"If you're going to do something wrong, at least do it right"

July 22 2002: Power outage in Vancouver
[grant leaving for work]: The power is out in the whole building
[sleepy M]: Didn't you pay the hydro bill?

July 20 2002
"See? Life goes on." "Ya, life goes on, let's just ride it to where it takes us."

May 30 2002: Email from M:
Okay, you're officially not allowed to do laundry ever again.

I thought the thing with the latex glove was weird, but I just went to put your stuff in the dryer and cut my hand on a broken lightbulb!

March 19 2002:
"hey baby, wanna play thirsty deer & the salt stalagmite?"

March 18 2002:
[Grant tries on shirt in store]
Donna: No No No take it off
Grant: [Whines] whhyy?
Donna: Because it's very bright and you are not a bright person!

March 7 2002: A limerick for Meighan:
A foolish lady named Meighan
Had her boyfriend eaten by a draghan
   [meighan exclaims indignantly]: "A Lion!"
Not really, I was lyin'
Actually it was a lion
And now that lion is a vegan!

February 12 2002:
[Email from mother]
Computer works fine exept for a brief episode when it ran out of memory. So, I cleaned some keys and it worked fine.

January 30 2002:
If wishes were broken hearts everybody would have one.

December 28 2001:
[Grant calls 222-2222]
Voice on phone: "Pizza two-two-two"
Grant: "Oh sorry, wrong number

September 12 2001:
[Grant is grappling with computer mouse]
Donna: "Look, THIS is how you use it, it needs a *flat* *surface*"
Grant: "Then you're PERFECT for it!"

August 24 2001:
"Coincidentally, I ran out of iced tea & toilet paper at the same time"

July 24 2001 - Grant dreaming a discussion with faceless people:
"I'm so confident in the strength of my car's wax I'd throw this brick at it... except I don't want to break the brick! ha ha ha!"

June 29 2001
Grant: "If I had a nickel for every girlfriend who's faked suicide to gently break up with me ... "
Gary: "You'd have ten cents!"

June 20 2001
[talking about star trek character] "I sure HOPE she's wearing a girdle, or else those are gross stretch marks showing through her uniform!"

June 5 2001
Jesse to girl: "Please do not straddle me because of gravity"

May 31 2001
[Hassan kisses grant on the cheek] "Holy stubble! It's just like my ex girlfriend kissing me!"

May 29 2001
"Jesse's not allowed to date my hairdresser. He'll love her & and leave her, and she'll take out her sorrow on my hair. And then my hairstyle will look just like his."